Last night, whilst lying in bed unable to sleep I had a “moment”, strangely it felt as if mum had come to see me and help me out. Was I dreaming? Did it really happen? I don’t care ~ whichever way I look at it it feels real and therefore has significance. Coincidentally it was on the anniversary of her death which seems to be a date when I have had these moments of interaction with her in the past too. She held me firmly by the shoulders, looked me straight in the eye and told me a few hard truths. It has had a profound effect on me to say the least. This morning I got out of bed with a sense of purpose.
I have been feeling incredibly low, physically and mentally. Struggling with depression and anxiety despite the medication. I have been using alcohol as a crutch and counted down the moments until it was “wine O’clock” therefore acceptable to pop the cork, every evening for I don’t know how long, I have drunk wine, it softens the edges for me. I have become lax with my diet and due to the restrictions of M.E. have been unable to exercise. I have felt my life slipping from my control. I wake up with a pit of despair in my stomach, I dread the day and have no energy, enthusiasm or zest for life. I don’t want to see or speak to people, I don’t want to be present, I have moments when I wish I didn’t exist. Self-pity has gripped me and self-loathing for what I have become has taunted me. Just getting up everyday is a chore, my body hurts everywhere, even my eyeballs ache. The deep lethargy and exhaustion makes life a chore. My body feels so very heavy, just lifting my cups of coffee to my lips hurts my joints and tires my arm. Cooking is something I struggle with ~ so meals are usually bland and easy to throw together. Unless you live with a chronic physical and mental illness you may not fully comprehend the effort everyday simple tasks such as brushing teeth and getting dressed cost. This is what I want to change. I want to go to my appointment in January with the Consultant at the ME Clinic and say, hand on heart, I am doing all that I can to help my body and mind to cope ~ now I need you to help me further wherever possible. I have piled on the weight since ME has stopped my long walks, which I miss dearly. I hate that I am so big, I feel undesirable, unlovable and disgusting. My naked body makes me feel physically sick ~ I know this is mostly due to my mental health issues, as I was well onto the road to self love previously but my physical limitations have impacted on my mental health. I weighed myself today and let out many expletives as the display came up with the harsh truth.
Mum “told” me to “get a grip”, I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. I can challenge the cards that have been dealt me, I can do all I can to alter my reality and better my quality of life and those around me. I may not be able to cure myself but I can make my situation better and those I live with too. My family deserve better, my daughters deserve more. They are dealing with their own demons too and we must work together to support and help each other through each day.
This morning I feel stronger, I have a plan, I know I will succeed. Don’t ask me how I know this, it’s a feeling deep inside that was placed there during the night. Laugh at me if you will – I know it sounds crazy, but I honestly don’t care what people think ~ it’s what I believe that counts.
Today is Day One.
I have started a journal, just words and thoughts ~ I have denounced alcohol and installed a sobriety app on my computer, phone and iPad ~ so it is with me always. I am going to follow a gluten free, vegetarian diet. Tara has the genes for coeliac most likely from me and is being instructed regarding the coeliac gluten free diet next Friday at her Consultant appointment along with the dietician. Seeing as both myself and Tasha have issues which according to the advice line regarding coeliac, it makes sense for us to also follow gluten free diet too. If I am consuming toxins via alcohol or diet how on earth is my body supposed to heal, so I hope removing alcohol and diet triggers will have a positive impact on my health and energy levels.
As for calming my mind ~ I have purchased a beginners Tai Chi DVD and will be learning to calm my mind and breathing whilst doing the routines. Who knows I may find it suits me and progress further with it ~ being gentle it is possible for me to do at home without exhausting myself travelling to a class and having to socialise.
I know it’s going to be a long road ahead, I know my issues won’t resolve easily and that it will be a struggle, I will have days when it all seems too much but I am determined to follow through and do this. I have spoken to my girls and The Dave who are incredible, we are going to help and support each other and for once I am hoping that 2016 will bring with it some positive changes for us all.
I want us to start to enjoy life again and start to love myself too. As the wonderful Rupaul says..
“If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else, can I get an Amen up in here… Amen”
“Don’t fuck it up!”