Today I have had a stern word with myself! I allowed my inner critique to have a voice, the one who chastises me for not being enough, not being thin enough, strong enough, clever enough, caring enough ~ it’s not a good voice it’s full of vanity and pride, it goads me and insults me to try and be something other than who I am now. I have managed to squash it and put it away, I am getting better at it, learning how to silence it and take away it’s power.

I have given far too much head space to my negative, critical self in the past and now I am simply not going to give it credence.

you-are-enough

You are enough, don’t ever forget it.

My lovely GP told me recently that I should focus on what I can change and to let go of what I can’t. She understands my lack of self-confidence and poor image view and so suggested I try and alter it in a realistic way. Not to push too hard and set targets or goals which I realistically don’t have a hope of achieving. She is a lovely, wise woman, I can confide in her and get honest no frills responses.

I am overweight, there is absolutely no doubt about it ~ it’s not something I can hide from. I used to feel shame, self~loathing and disgust when looking at myself for getting like this. but now I don’t. It’s very simple when you think about it, in the grand scheme of things life is simply just too short to let vanity or pride get in the way of living life and enjoying it.

So, here I am, all 5 foot 8 inches, 17 stone of me ~ YES I am big, YES I could do with losing some weight. NO I will not let it stop me from doing whatever I want. NO I will not let others try and fat shame me. 13814455_10154357459399555_1148334535_n

For those of you wondering why I am a hefty girl I don’t mind answering your question. I take medication (for pain and depression) which makes me hungry while at the same having a chronic illness that makes exercising (which I used to do an awful lot of) not possible, so with lack of exercise and eating too much I put on weight. This needs addressing I agree so that I don’t keep getting bigger and bigger which would put me at some very serious health risks. However, as I said earlier, due to medical issues I can no longer exercise like used to, walking miles with dogs and playing tennis are in the past. The maximum exercise for me now without any post exertion malaise would be 10 minutes of gentle yogaesque exercises and stretches, so not really fat burning stuff, but helps prevent my joints and muscles stiffening up.

My GP has told me despite having ME, Diverticulitis, Low Vit D, Anxiety, Depression AND being in the throes of menopause ~ I am surprisingly healthy, my blood pressure is good, my cholesterol is normal and all my liver, thyroid, kidney, bladder etc etc tests are normal. So physically, my body despite symptoms beyond my control due to my illnesses, is healthy. Being fat doesn’t necessarily mean you are not healthy. I eat a great diet of high fibre, low fat, high protein, low sugar foods, just too much of the damn stuff!

So to address this issue I have joined a  club, the aim is to eat less but not limit the foods I eat ~ so not a diet, a lifestyle change. To adjust how I eat and when I eat to prevent weight gain and if possible slowly (and I do mean slowly) try and shed the excess I have. My GP told me to sensibly target a half pound loss a fortnight, as due to my situation and medication this is a good target and one that can be achieved. It’s finding ways to curb the hunger with lower calorie foods that are easily broken down so won’t flare my guts, as I promise you full blown diverticulitis attacks are exceptionally painful! I have stacks of fresh fruit available, low calorie yoghurts (which I love), noodles which take 4 minutes to cook and enjoy with soy sauce and plenty of pepper. I eat but just focus on choosing healthier options now ~ I don’t eat breakfast, lunch and dinner either, instead I listen to my body and eat when hungry, little meals more frequently and not late at night. I also try to fill up on plenty of water which helps hugely, I always have a jug of water nearby to top up on and this has made a massive change.

I have to admit that yes, I am only human and on my darker days the vain part of me can overcome the sensible headed me making me feel self conscious when out, ashamed and feeling as if everyone is looking at me and laughing. This is a ridiculous train of thought and not at all good for my mental or physical health, this unhealthy frame of mind is one I struggle to squash on these days. However they do seem to be coming less often now, which is a testament of how far I have come. I feel this progress is partly due to participating in the See My Selfie project ~ helping me move forward in the process of self acceptance. Health and happiness must absolutely come first everything else can be addressed when ready to combat it.

My sister is a huge believer of practising  self affirmation as a way of not allowing credence to negative thoughts and instead focusing on self~acceptance.  As part of this process I am writing this blog because for me it’s my way of putting it all out there, this is me, this is who I am and what I look like. I have nothing to be ashamed of or hide from, there are reasons I am the way I am, most of which are beyond my control and I will NOT allow others to force their judgements upon me either.

1338865175667547

Today it’s hot, I am wearing a t-shirt and showing off the top of my arms, THAT is progress! So, whoever you are, whatever you are doing, if you are little, large or in~between, you are absolutely gorgeous and perfect just as you are, right now. You do NOT require the approval of others to tell you how you should be!

The Smiths ~ Accept Yourself, click the link to view the video

“Accept Yourself”

Everyday you must say
so how do I feel about my life
anything is hard to find
when you will not open your eyes
when will you accept yourself?

I am sick and I am dull
and I am plain
how dearly I’d love to get carried away
oh but dreams have a knack of just not coming true
and time is against me now

Who and what to blame?
anything is hard to find
when you will not open your eyes
when will you accept yourself?
for heaven’s sake
anything is hard to find
when you will not open your eyes
everyday you must say
how do I feel about the past

Others conquered love – but I ran
I sat in my room and I drew up a plan
but plans can fall through as so often they do
and time is against me now

And there’s no one left to blame
tell me when will you
when will you accept your life
the one that you hate
for anything is hard to find
when you will not open your eyes
everyday you must say
how do I feel about my shoes

They make me awkward and plain
how dearly I would love to kick with the fray
but I once had a dream and it never came true
and time is against me now
time is against me now

And there’s no one but yourself to blame
anything is hard to find
when you will not open your eyes
anything is hard to find
for heaven’s sake
anything is hard to find
when you will not open your eyes
when will you accept yourself?
when?

 

71001-be-who-you-are-proud-quotes

x~X~x