It’s been brought to my attention that I’m something of a hot mess and deluded to boot!
News to me, I’d thought I was ticking along quite nicely, totally oblivious really. There I was, busy giving myself a verbal pat on the back for being so chilled, calm, understanding and totally down with everything that is going on in our family life. Giving everyone the space to move forward by themselves without interfering too much ~ it’s a given that as a wife and mother you have to have your say now and then. Thought that I was keeping myself in check and dressing myself and everything!
Turns out that I’m totally wrong ~ I looked around and saw incredulous faces and was horrified to hear that they all feel that to a certain extent they are having to walk on egg shells around me, so as not to flip me into overdrive mode.
I am living in a deluded state. I am in reality not as calm or chilled out as I thought. Nor am I as able as I imagined at not sticking my oar in now and then. Seriously ~ I honestly thought I was doing better, being more self aware and keeping schtum about things and biting my tongue. It just goes to show I have a way to go yet. Thank goodness I have a family who love me enough to not only put up with me but to also be brave enough to be honest with me and tell me.
Also, in retrospect, I can now see that I am mostly a complete mess ~ usually wandering around having misplaced or forgotten something. I used to be uber organised and now am the opposite, needing reminders in the form of notes, alarms and notes to remind me I have notes! I talk to myself and apparently, unwittingly, give a verbal running commentary of everything I am doing! Also, point out the obvious and can be annoying in my need to double check myself.
I also tend to conserve energy by wearing the same clothes day in day out, using the sniff test to decide whether they need to go in the laundry basket or not. I only shower as and when energy allows ~ so if you see me in my baseball cap it means it’s a no shower, bad hair day.
So how can I know whether or not I am being deluded about my own actions? It would seem I have to rely on my family as my barometer ~ perhaps I ought to purchase this little wall hanging so they can swing it to the setting the see me as being in and see if I concur?
You have to laugh really don’t you? I know I am “odd” at the best of times, having it pointed out to me on several occasions and following different assessments relating to the girls, that I am unofficially diagnosed as being neurodivergent. I looked at many definitions of this term and someone who is anonymous very succinctly explained it as “Neurodiversity is the concept that there are all types of brains/neurologies, and that’s okay. Someone who is neurodivergent is not neurotypical – that is, their neurology is not what most people consider “normal.” So people who have mental disorders are neurodivergent.”
Knowing that I am neurodivergent does explain an awful lot looking back at my life and at my behaviours. Having this second hand diagnosis suits me fine and I have no intention of pursuing it further and making it official. I’ve managed to reach almost 50 being my own kind of “special” so what purpose could there be for getting it made official?
Knowing my differences means I do rely on my family as a barometer, I can easily delude myself otherwise and I genuinely have no idea when I behave in certain ways. For example it is totally on a subconscious level that I give this running commentary ~ I must think that I am saying it internally but actually saying it aloud. This is a concern ~ how can I know when I am thinking something or saying it aloud, it could be the cause of a sticky situation at times!
Mostly, my thoughts are to embrace your personal differences. I may not be classed as normal, but my kind of normal seems to function just fine so long as I have a nudge now and then if I need to pull back at times.
I am aware I am a “fixer” a “doer” and feel my desire to help at times can be smothering or just plain irritating. Dave, a very brave man, has promised me that he will tell me when I need to calm down or if my behaviour is bordering on erratic and odd. I am trying to be more self aware but it is hard when I see myself differently to others. This is why I need Dave to help me see myself. I definitely don’t want anyone feeling they have to walk on egg shells around me.
Since we had our conversation about my behaviour and difference of perception I am trying, really hard ~ it’s not easy you know! I have found myself texting after saying something to clarify I’m okay and not upset or irritated, despite how it may seem. I know I can look harassed and annoyed if things aren’t done fast enough, well enough or to my design., but it doesn’t mean I am holding it against anyone or angry at them. It’s just my resting bitch face is always telling outwardly a different story to how I feel inwardly.
Am I alone in this? Could it be that the cumulation of the past few years and my decline in health and numerous growing list of health issues are causing me to lose sight of myself? Taking the medications has definitely knocked me sideways, as soon as I plateau it’s time to titrate upwards on my medications and off I go again.
I wonder if my frustrations at not being able to be the me I want to be is affecting my mood, behaviour and ability to focus. I want to not be in pain, to be able to walk further than the end of my drive, to not be as big as I am (thanks to the medications its an ongoing battle with the bulge). My clarity of thought is affected, I spend my days mostly in a foggy state. I say things in a garbled way, mis~saying or misplacing words, sometimes I just stop talking if it gets to difficult to process any words at all.
I know I must be a real ‘mare to live with at times. I like things just so, I hate stuff lying around and have been known to repeat myself, definitely not nag, to get things moved or sorted out.
Knowledge is half the battle, although I can’t make any promises I will do my best to be a better me. I most likely will continue to give the running commentary as I go about my business, not sure how I can change something I am not aware of doing. Also, it is part of my neurodiversity, so explains strange looks I get when I am out alone ~ I most probably am very busy having a conversation with myself and blissfully unaware that I am not having it in the privacy of my head but possibly loudly to myself and anyone else around me! So I implore you to just accept it as one of my special “quirks”.
So, to all you other deluded hot messes out there ~ it’s okay ~ don’t worry and embrace you!
I’m continuing to take the tablets, listen to others and myself (obviously) and live life my way. So long as I can try and hold on to enough awareness of self to keep my family happy and not wind them up too much I am happy.
If I happen to see you out I may be having a good old natter to myself, be wearing my knickers inside out and wearing my sniff tested clothes and hat. But I promise you I will be happy to see you and no doubt give you a mighty bear hug.