Today something snapped, gave way, broke down and obliterated the me I want to be. I feel overwhelming despair, it is almost suffocating, I can feel it in the base of my throat and in the pit of my stomach. It’s like a wad of heavy oppressive darkness inside of me.

I don’t want to see anyone, speak to anyone, go anywhere, do anything. I want to curl up in a ball and simply not exist.

Depression is a cruel monster, it lives inside me and no matter how hard I try eventually he breaks free and runs amok within my brain, leveling my wall to keep him contained and smashing everything good inside me. It takes so much time and effort to regain control and wall him back up.

He makes me hate myself ~ I look in the mirror and want to vomit at what I see looking back at me. I hate who I am, what I am. I feel useless, worthless, boring and a waste of life.

This blog is my space to talk, to vent, to share, to hope that somehow, somewhere, someone is reading this and can relate, can understand and has empathy. To know that someone else is riding this awful tsunami of emotions helps somehow. I wish you weren’t going through this too ~ but know that you are not alone, I am not alone.

I love my family so very much and hate that no matter what they say or do, they cannot help me. The chemicals in my brain are misfiring spectacularly ~ I am hopeful that my GP will see fit to increase my Amitriptyline for me because it is the only anti~depressant, and believe me I have tried them all, that works effectively for me. I know that the therapy, when it comes through, will help too.

I forced myself out today, to Halfords to pick up L plates for youngest child. I stood there, in the shop, sobbing, unable to stop unable to control myself and hating myself for it. I really hate others to see me cry it makes me feel even worse than I do already.

I cried in the car driving to pick up second born and her housemate. Thankfully they understand and just let me get on with it. It’s awful if I am crying in a public place and someone asks if I am alright ~ not words come out, just spluttering noises as my eyes stream and my nose runs inelegantly. My face becoming increasingly red and blotchy, it just adds insult to injury. I apologise to those caring strangers for my shaking head and swift exit. I don’t mean to be rude, it’s just I can’t talk to you, I can’t explain because I have no control over when the tears will come. They start to leak without any warning and for no apparent reason ~ no essential trigger.

I know, because of living with depression for so long, what to do. I have made that gp appointment and referred myself for therapy. I have to wait it out, to ride the wave, to weather the storm ~ so between now and then I am broken. I will do what I can to plaster the cracks in the meantime. If however, you know me and I appear rude, distant or show inappropriate behaviour I apologise in advance.

Also, you may see me, I may laugh, smile, joke with you ~ then leave you and sob violently in the toilet until I can remake the mask and venture out again. People with depression are very good at putting on an act, but it comes at a terrible cost. When the act is switched off the wave of emotions that you have to surf come bigger, harder, faster.

If you are like me, suffering right now then hold on for dear life ~ access whatever support you can and ask for help. Take that help and grasp onto it with both hands. Let others come to your aid ~ it’s not a weakness, you have shown great strength by reaching out.

Mental health helplines

Whether you’re concerned about yourself or a loved one, these helplines can offer expert advice.
Anxiety UK
Charity providing support if you’ve been diagnosed with an anxiety condition.
Phone: 08444 775 774 (Mon-Fri, 9.30am-5.30pm)
Website: www.anxietyuk.org.uk
Bipolar UK
A charity helping people living with manic depression or bipolar disorder.
Website: www.bipolaruk.org.uk
CALM
CALM is the Campaign Against Living Miserably, for men aged 15-35.
Website: www.thecalmzone.net
Depression Alliance
Charity for sufferers of depression. Has a network of self-help groups.
Website: www.depressionalliance.org
Men’s Health Forum
24/7 stress support for men by text, chat and email.
Website: www.menshealthforum.org.uk
Mental Health Foundation
Provides information and support for anyone with mental health problems or learning disabilities.
Website: www.mentalhealth.org.uk
Mind
Promotes the views and needs of people with mental health problems.
Phone: 0300 123 3393 (Mon-Fri, 9am-6pm)
Website: www.mind.org.uk
No Panic
Voluntary charity offering support for sufferers of panic attacks and OCD. Offers a course to help overcome your phobia/OCD. Includes a helpline.
Phone: 0844 967 4848 (daily, 10am-10pm)
Website: www.nopanic.org.uk
OCD Action
Support for people with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). Includes information on treatment and online resources.
Phone: 0845 390 6232 (Mon-Fri, 9.30am-5pm)
Website: www.ocdaction.org.uk
OCD UK
A charity run by people with OCD, for people with OCD. Includes facts, news and treatments.
Phone: 0845 120 3778 (Mon-Fri, 9am-5pm)
Website: www.ocduk.org
PAPYRUS
Young suicide prevention society.
Phone: HOPElineUK 0800 068 4141 (Mon-Fri,10am-5pm & 7-10pm. Weekends 2-5pm)
Website: www.papyrus-uk.org
Rethink Mental Illness
Support and advice for people living with mental illness.
Phone: 0300 5000 927 (Mon-Fri, 9.30am-4pm)
Website: www.rethink.org
Samaritans
Confidential support for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair.
Phone: 116 123 (free 24-hour helpline)
Website: www.samaritans.org.uk
Sane
Charity offering support and carrying out research into mental illness.
Phone: 0845 767 8000 (daily, 6-11pm)
SANEmail email: sanemail@org.uk
Website: www.sane.org.uk
YoungMinds
Information on child and adolescent mental health. Services for parents and professionals.
Phone: Parents’ helpline 0808 802 5544 (Mon-Fri, 9.30am-4pm)
Website: www.youngminds.org.uk

I hope to be in a happier, healthier place in the future ~ til then, please bear with me.

Much love to you all

x~X~x