Broken as fuck! #depression

Today something snapped, gave way, broke down and obliterated the me I want to be. I feel overwhelming despair, it is almost suffocating, I can feel it in the base of my throat and in the pit of my stomach. It’s like a wad of heavy oppressive darkness inside of me.

I don’t want to see anyone, speak to anyone, go anywhere, do anything. I want to curl up in a ball and simply not exist.

Depression is a cruel monster, it lives inside me and no matter how hard I try eventually he breaks free and runs amok within my brain, leveling my wall to keep him contained and smashing everything good inside me. It takes so much time and effort to regain control and wall him back up.

He makes me hate myself ~ I look in the mirror and want to vomit at what I see looking back at me. I hate who I am, what I am. I feel useless, worthless, boring and a waste of life.

This blog is my space to talk, to vent, to share, to hope that somehow, somewhere, someone is reading this and can relate, can understand and has empathy. To know that someone else is riding this awful tsunami of emotions helps somehow. I wish you weren’t going through this too ~ but know that you are not alone, I am not alone.

I love my family so very much and hate that no matter what they say or do, they cannot help me. The chemicals in my brain are misfiring spectacularly ~ I am hopeful that my GP will see fit to increase my Amitriptyline for me because it is the only anti~depressant, and believe me I have tried them all, that works effectively for me. I know that the therapy, when it comes through, will help too.

I forced myself out today, to Halfords to pick up L plates for youngest child. I stood there, in the shop, sobbing, unable to stop unable to control myself and hating myself for it. I really hate others to see me cry it makes me feel even worse than I do already.

I cried in the car driving to pick up second born and her housemate. Thankfully they understand and just let me get on with it. It’s awful if I am crying in a public place and someone asks if I am alright ~ not words come out, just spluttering noises as my eyes stream and my nose runs inelegantly. My face becoming increasingly red and blotchy, it just adds insult to injury. I apologise to those caring strangers for my shaking head and swift exit. I don’t mean to be rude, it’s just I can’t talk to you, I can’t explain because I have no control over when the tears will come. They start to leak without any warning and for no apparent reason ~ no essential trigger.

I know, because of living with depression for so long, what to do. I have made that gp appointment and referred myself for therapy. I have to wait it out, to ride the wave, to weather the storm ~ so between now and then I am broken. I will do what I can to plaster the cracks in the meantime. If however, you know me and I appear rude, distant or show inappropriate behaviour I apologise in advance.

Also, you may see me, I may laugh, smile, joke with you ~ then leave you and sob violently in the toilet until I can remake the mask and venture out again. People with depression are very good at putting on an act, but it comes at a terrible cost. When the act is switched off the wave of emotions that you have to surf come bigger, harder, faster.

If you are like me, suffering right now then hold on for dear life ~ access whatever support you can and ask for help. Take that help and grasp onto it with both hands. Let others come to your aid ~ it’s not a weakness, you have shown great strength by reaching out.

Mental health helplines

Whether you’re concerned about yourself or a loved one, these helplines can offer expert advice.
Anxiety UK
Charity providing support if you’ve been diagnosed with an anxiety condition.
Phone: 08444 775 774 (Mon-Fri, 9.30am-5.30pm)
Website: www.anxietyuk.org.uk
Bipolar UK
A charity helping people living with manic depression or bipolar disorder.
Website: www.bipolaruk.org.uk
CALM
CALM is the Campaign Against Living Miserably, for men aged 15-35.
Website: www.thecalmzone.net
Depression Alliance
Charity for sufferers of depression. Has a network of self-help groups.
Website: www.depressionalliance.org
Men’s Health Forum
24/7 stress support for men by text, chat and email.
Website: www.menshealthforum.org.uk
Mental Health Foundation
Provides information and support for anyone with mental health problems or learning disabilities.
Website: www.mentalhealth.org.uk
Mind
Promotes the views and needs of people with mental health problems.
Phone: 0300 123 3393 (Mon-Fri, 9am-6pm)
Website: www.mind.org.uk
No Panic
Voluntary charity offering support for sufferers of panic attacks and OCD. Offers a course to help overcome your phobia/OCD. Includes a helpline.
Phone: 0844 967 4848 (daily, 10am-10pm)
Website: www.nopanic.org.uk
OCD Action
Support for people with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). Includes information on treatment and online resources.
Phone: 0845 390 6232 (Mon-Fri, 9.30am-5pm)
Website: www.ocdaction.org.uk
OCD UK
A charity run by people with OCD, for people with OCD. Includes facts, news and treatments.
Phone: 0845 120 3778 (Mon-Fri, 9am-5pm)
Website: www.ocduk.org
PAPYRUS
Young suicide prevention society.
Phone: HOPElineUK 0800 068 4141 (Mon-Fri,10am-5pm & 7-10pm. Weekends 2-5pm)
Website: www.papyrus-uk.org
Rethink Mental Illness
Support and advice for people living with mental illness.
Phone: 0300 5000 927 (Mon-Fri, 9.30am-4pm)
Website: www.rethink.org
Samaritans
Confidential support for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair.
Phone: 116 123 (free 24-hour helpline)
Website: www.samaritans.org.uk
Sane
Charity offering support and carrying out research into mental illness.
Phone: 0845 767 8000 (daily, 6-11pm)
SANEmail email: sanemail@org.uk
Website: www.sane.org.uk
YoungMinds
Information on child and adolescent mental health. Services for parents and professionals.
Phone: Parents’ helpline 0808 802 5544 (Mon-Fri, 9.30am-4pm)
Website: www.youngminds.org.uk

I hope to be in a happier, healthier place in the future ~ til then, please bear with me.

Much love to you all

x~X~x

 

 

7 thoughts on “Broken as fuck! #depression

  1. I know depression. It came upon me when my mother got ill and died two years later. My doctor gave me medication and I got better, though I think I had high functioning depression for a while. I wasn’t able to confront things that had to be worked out after her death. As a consequence, I still have a lot of paperwork to take care of. Now I’m learning to confront these things.

    To have the world turn black and want to fall into the whirlpool is horrid. But what keeps us going is the love that surrounds us, as well as life’s little moments that try to make us smile. Just remember no one is expendable. We are loved for who we are, with all our faults. If we disappear, we leave a tremendous hole in people’s hearts. Our lives are not our own, but belong to us and to those who love us. And depression will go away and life can be beautiful again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Maria, I can relate completely as I too lost my mother and it threw me into darkness for a long time. Depression, for me, is a beast that stays with me always but usually walking to heel so to speak. This time I haven’t been able to keep it under control and have reached out for help to bring my black dog back to heel and back under control. I am fortunate to have my family around me who truly understand and care. I hope this awfulness within me will abate soon and your words bring comfort and are appreciated. Thank you xxx

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  2. I don’t know that I’ve ever been truly depressed … down, anxious, stressed, freaked out, or like right now, borderline demented, but having chronic depression isn’t something I think I’ve experienced. It sounds rather crap. Such a shame when you seemed to be getting on with your shit and being positive about your going tee-total and losing weight and getting your diagnosis sorted. I can’t tell you to try not to let this get to you – as I understand, that’s not how depression works. So just be kind to yourself when and where you can, and hopefully, please God, you’ll come out the other side sooner rather than later. X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you lovely, unfortunately the sobriety went out the window and I have indulged. I have told my family not to let me do that again and removed it from the house. I’m mad at myself for letting that happen, but when I am in this state control goes out the window. Thankfully I see the doctor tomorrow and hope to start therapy in a few weeks. I hate how depression makes me feel and behave, it makes you feels rotten to the core and it’s hard to see round it. Thank you for your kind words and I hope the gloom and doom inside will lift soon too, so that I can some positives around me again instead. xxx

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  3. Pingback: Reasons To Be Cheerful//A Work In Progress #depression – Crazy Purple Mama

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