Up to now I have been in denial, blinkered, refusing to see. Then a simple height & weight pre-clinic measurement threw a spanner in the works. My carefully constructed mental blindfold was ripped away.
I have been carefully boxing away my feelings, anxieties and worries so that I didn’t have to deal with them. Ignoring them was easier and enabled me to continue day to day.
Now though, I feel empty, angst, weighed down as the wall is slowly falling down around me.
I am not present for my family. My house is a tip, mess everywhere, it needs cleaning top to bottom and to get rid of all the tat lying around. My husband is working so hard to pay the bills and comes home and immediately wants to turn round and walk back out. I don’t blame him one bit, it’s awful. He is helping me tomorrow to try and address this and clear some of the space. He shouldn’t have to.
I am also obese, I have a chronic illness for which there is no cure, unable to exercise or clean my own house. I also have further ongoing issues which leave me with more questions than answers.
Usually I seek out the silver lining yet today I can’t find it. My sense of humour has buggered off and I am left feeling empty, hollow, a shadow of myself.
I caught sight of myself in the mirror and cried, the face looking back at me does not look like mine, not the me I thought I was. This woman is a stranger, her eyes are sad, she has no drive, no stamina, no chutzpah.
So, what was the measurement? I won’t give you the figure but I am officially six and a half stone overweight, I can’t exercise, my body is misbehaving without a known cause and I had been ignoring it, pretending it was all okay.
It’s not okay.
I feel physically sick when I see myself. A weak woman who allowed herself to slide downwards into this state. I am so mad at myself, so ashamed.
I don’t want to go out and be seen by anyone. It doesn’t matter what I wear I feel like I am being judged, that I look awful and that I have let my family down.
I know eventually I’ll climb out of this pity party but it seems so hard to do. I am in the pit, it’s dark and I can see the top edges above me. The light outside is visible but I can’t seem to get a foothold to climb up and out. Instead I am jumping up and down catching fleeting glimpses of the outside, unable to do more.
I look at my husband and children and feel I have let them down. I am not good company, I am tetchy, tired, worn down. They don’t deserve the me I am right now, it’s not fair on them. They deserve more, I need to be more.
I feel that I am not alone with these feelings. I am sure others, possibly many others, feel emotionally shipwrecked like this too. Sometimes it takes a huge jolt to change the situation. I have to find the spark that can ignite my will power, determination and inner strength.
Til then I hope folk will bear with me, give me space to sift through my issues and work out how best to move forward.
I have a long slog ahead, a life changing hard look at myself, my core and do what has to be done to make me the best version of myself possible. To get a grip and get back to being a wife and mother. To provide stability and comfort to those I love and stop being a burden to be dealt with.
They say the first steps are hardest, it will get worse before it gets better. I need to create a routine, a firm base to build on.
I’ll get there, one day ..