Admittedly I’m no author, I don’t “write” instead I’m simply chatting to whoever happens to click on my blog and read it.
My motivation to fire up my laptop and venture onto WordPress is driven by a wish to connect to someone who can understand how I feel and what I have to say.
My first blog was written after a therapy session during a flare up of my constant companion depression. My therapist had heard my life story and felt I should write a book about it, she suggested setting up a blog to start to share with others. I feel my life hasn’t been ordinary but neither has it been extraordinary, certainly not book worthy. I don’t have the skills to write a book and to be perfectly honest, many of the details are blurry with time and so fact would be interwoven with fiction.
In the past I was sociable enough, never the life and soul of the party, often standing watching from the sidelines whilst my friends enjoyed the limelight. Boys weren’t stampeding to my door and most of my boyfriends, of which there are only few, were asked out by me and not the other way around.
I had friends, a social group, but was often the “weird” one, I didn’t fit in or stand out ~ I was marginally visible.
One of my daughters is autistic and she is positive that I am too ~ discussion with the rest of my family resulted in them all agreeing that they unanimously felt I was autistic. Whilst my daughter is pushing me to ask for a documented diagnosis I feel that at the age of almost 50 it’s irrelevant now. A diagnosis won’t change my life in any way, shape or form ~ other to confirm the cause of my “weirdness” and the reason for difficulty in not quite fitting in with others. To be honest, the last thing I want is another diagnosis to add to my long list of chronic conditions.
Why blog? I blog to connect in some small way to the outside world because in reality my world is very small. I am pretty much housebound except for times out with my husband, who on occasion takes me with him on a road trip and we stop over in a hotel. I love these excursions ~ I pack my camera to take photographs out of the window as we drive along, my head half out of the window like dogs do but instead of ears its my hair that gets blown back. It’s freedom for me, I lose myself in the moment, the feeling of the wind against my skin, of taking my breath away if I turn too fully into the wind and the fun of snapping away on my camera at the passing scenery. Sometimes, when a road trip isn’t possible we have a “date night” to visit a local pub or restaurant. Usually we eat early just as service is starting and then are home before it gets busy to settle down together and pick a film to watch or box set.
I pass my time listening to audio books, meditating, baking on good days, watching the birds in the garden ~ and maintaining their feeding station. I have also become very fond of a squirrel who I call Gloria, she has her own squirrel food and feeding station and she visits 3~4 times a day she’s funny to watch. She winds up the dogs but she is happy to continue feeding so long as the dogs stay on the patio and not on the lawn.
I’m anti~social, I have found that slowly over the past decade I have become more reclusive and less inclined to meet up with people and socialise. I have found stability in routine and the safety of my home, my dogs and family. I don’t like surprises and I don’t do last~minute meet ups or large social gatherings. For my own personal health and stability I have found I need familiarity and structure in my environment and routine. If I stray from this I become unwell either physically, mentally or both.
This is where the internet comes in ~ it allows me the freedom to mix and socialise from the safety of my home and to set the boundaries within my comfort zone. I can be more extrovert in this medium ~ in real life I would be huddled in a corner, in the shadows and just observing those around me. Within social media I can venture out from the shadows and interact in ways I don’t feel comfortable doing in “real” life.
I am shy, anxious, self~conscious and nervous in face to face real life interactions. My alter ego on the internet is far more confident, expressive and sociable. This is why I blog ~ I share my life and thoughts with you in ways I can’t in the real world.
I have forged strong virtual friendships with a handful of fabulous women who I met through Facebook groups and I feel enriched knowing them and grateful for the opportunity Facebook gave me to afford me these new connections. Other friends are those who I once socialised with in real life and who now are mostly only “seen” through the platforms of various social media accounts.
I do share about health issues, to raise awareness or just to vent ~ I share my photos with you because it’s a hobby I enjoy and get a huge amount of pleasure from. I share my thoughts, hopes and dreams with you because they may resonate with you and we may interact as a result.
Most of all I blog for me, it’s a story of me, my life, it’s highs and lows and everything in between ~ a virtual diary.
Today I am feeling pretty shite ~ I thought perhaps it was the onset of flu until my youngest daughter pointed out it could be the result of being vegan and tee total since the first of this month. She reminded me how poorly she was as she came off gluten and how my body is most likely adjusting to not having any animal products or booze. You know what ~ I think she is probably right!
I’m enjoying being vegan ~ which surprised me somewhat, I can hand on heart say I have never, with the exception of gastric bugs, ever visited the toilet quite so much. I think my body is purging! Plus ~ even more surprisingly I’m not craving or desiring any wine or booze at all. My brain is changing with regards to food choices, I watched a cookery programme this morning ~ Saturday Kitchen and actually felt a little repulsed by the sight of the raw meat ~ what’s going on?
I have decided to commit myself and continue with the vegan diet beyond the end of January. As for the booze ~ I’m not so sure, I may or may not carry that on but if I do go back to drinking alcohol again it will be within limits so that I don’t go back to the slippery slopes of dependency again.
I lost a few old “real life” friends when I started blogging, they objected to me sharing my life via the internet and felt I was being self~centered and over sharing in ways they disagreed with. I let them go, if that’s how they felt then why try to grasp onto the last threads of a friendship if it can unravel so easily? I harbour no ill will towards them, they were in my life for a while, we enjoyed each others company and then life changed ~ either for them or for me ~ common ground started to erode until nothing was left and it was time to move on. Rare friendships last a lifetime, others are there for a time when they are needed ~ some are fleeting encounters where a deep connection is made but it is short and sweet. I look back and don’t regret giving to any person I have shared time with, whether we parted on good or bad terms. Each connection provides the opportunity to learn more about yourself and others, I believe everything is as it’s meant to be ~ fair or unfair.
As I age I am more reflective ~ I feel lucky to be as I am and who I am ~ I have and still do enjoy a life full of laughter and love. I have security and enough to always have food, clothing and a roof above my head. My only fear is harm coming to those I love ~ I worry about their safety when they travel and their health.
Life is to be celebrated and shared in whatever shape or form you feel able to express it. It is okay too if you are sad, lonely, afraid, anxious, depressed, feeling unsure ~ reach out and grab on to the nearest life line. Do whatever it takes to make yourself well, safe and secure. For me it is blogging and sharing, I feel a sense of relief when I hit “publish”. The number of blog likes or followers is irrelevant ~ if I touch and connect with just one person then it is worthwhile ~ reaching that one person is what it is all about.
So that is why I blog, it’s my life, honest and undiluted.