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Introspective Musings

Posted in Personal Blog

Introspective; the act or process of looking into oneself.


Life has been rather turbulent of late, leading me to question why? Do we indirectly draw the negative energy toward us or are we just unlucky?

Looking back at how I have behaved and lived my life so far I don’t consider myself to be a bad person, but acknowledge that I am also no angel. Can any of us put our hand on heart and say that we have not said or done anything in their past that they are not ashamed of? Part of growing and learning is by making bad choices and working through mistakes made but what I can’t comprehend is why some suffer far more than others. What drives the direction of our life, is it fate, is it predetermined or simply chance?

I used to believe in a God, I have been baptised into the Church of England as a baby and confirmed in my early teens. Religion seemed to be something accepted because it was part of life within the family. I was part of the local church choir when in primary school (even though I’m tone deaf) and went to a religious secondary boarding school. When I married it seemed perfectly natural to do it in church, when the girls arrived they were also baptised into the church and later attended Sunday School.

Over the ensuing years, death of family members and frightening constant health issues of our family, which seem unrelenting, requiring frequent hospital stays and mental health decline have caused me to question my faith. It wasn’t just matters occurring within my life and family but also the bigger picture ~ I can’t believe in a God who could allow the atrocities around the world to occur and for innocents to suffer. It just doesn’t seem fair, so my faith dwindled until it was gone. I believe there is some kind of higher power, in spirits, in good and evil but not in God or religion.

My question is do we somehow draw bad karma towards ourselves through words spoken or actions made. Is there some subtle power at work dishing out life lessons through misfortune and illness to see how we cope and learn? Good people have passed on too soon, their life cut short in their prime ~ where is the fairness in that? I switch on the TV and am deeply saddened by the news of racism, violence, death and tragedy. Surely in this day and age the world should be more accepting, kind and progressive.

It hit me recently that I can’t live my life trying to put everyone else’s needs before my own because it has a direct impact on my health ~ if I’m at rock bottom then I won’t be able to support and help them as I would like. Instead I finally spoke up about what I need ~ and was amazed that not only was I listened to, I was also told that yes, it made perfect sense. Crazy as it sounds I just presumed, wrongly as it turns out, that I was being selfish in the asking but my idea was not only accepted but welcomed! SO, in this respect I had been inadvertently directing my life choices in one direction because I hadn’t previously thought to speak up. So perhaps we can control our destiny to some degree but only partly, the rest is down to fate or the whim of nature, disease, climate or chance.

So, what was my request ~ I want to move ~ I have fallen out of love with my home, so we are going to be moving within the next year. Rightly or wrongly I feel our current house holds bad karma within its walls. In the eleven years we’ve lived here we have been beset with illness and heartache ~ the energy here feels negative and so I strongly feel a fresh start in a new home is necessary. The house we are in now is too big, I can’t keep on top of the maintenance and housework plus we don’t use half the rooms. So we are looking for a bungalow with three bedrooms and a simple fluid floor plan which can be kept clean easily. No carpets, laminate floors instead for easy cleaning and a bathroom to be converted into a wet room ~ making showering less exhausting (those of you with energy limiting chronic illnesses will understand why). Whilst we look for our perfect property in the right location we are whittling away at our belongings. Room by room we are selling excess furniture and “stuff” we want left only what we intend to take with us. Perhaps this is a way to take control of our destiny and attract some positive karma our way. Perhaps we can make decisions which can help alter the path we tread towards a more positive direction.

Life is still scary with unknown variables which we can’t control, we can’t change behaviours of others and how they respond to us but we can accept that their response is on them and not us. To let go of the need to gain the acceptance and praise of others and just believe in yourself.

A year seems such a long time to wait but I suppose the time will soon fly by whilst we whittle down our belongings. This will be our last move, the bungalow, when we find it, will be our retirement home. When we view it we will be led by the atmosphere of the property ~ if it doesn’t “feel” right even if ticks all the boxes floor-plan wise it will be rejected.

Perhaps, just perhaps we can turn things around and point destiny towards the direction of our own choosing. Who knows where we will be this time next year, I am hoping the health and financial worries currently hanging over our head will be overcome, that those who choose to misconstrue our intentions are not to be stressed over. I own my choices, behaviours, words and actions, I can’t control the responses of others and from now on will accept that and let it go.

I hope karma will be kind, fingers crossed


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