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Jaded, Weary, Knackered, Whacked & Bushed

Posted in Personal Blog, and Photography Blog

NOTE: Please forgive any typo’s or incorrect spellings, poor English and sentence construction. My excuse? Cognitive dysfunction.

Today sees me jaded, weary, knackered, whacked, bushed ~ *insert your favourite word for being tired and fatigued here*

“Pacing”, that ol’ gem ~ so much easier to say than to put into practice and I put my hands up to admit how shockingly bad I am at it. I look at my youngest offspring who has had chronic illness, namely Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, the longest, since 2010, and admire her skill at pacing. She can manage part~time College, modelling and work like a pro, her pacing skills are awesome. Admittedly she sometimes gets it wrong and the teeth of ME firmly bite her in the butt to remind her she’s not rid of “him” *ME in my mind is like the wicked child catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, who terrified me as a child*. Although all in all she’s inspiring to observe as she really lives her life and grasps opportunities.

I’m frustrated by the restrictions my body imposes on me yet also grateful that it is able to clamp down on me in this way to impose damage limitation protocols.

In this fatigued state I have embraced Audible. I used to devour books daily and become completely engrossed to the point of being unaware of anything around me. My first book of choice? It had to be my all time favourite book “Good Omens”. Imagine my delight when it turns out to be the radio 4 play version, full of well known voices playing the different parts. I’m now on the last episode but will be listening to it several times because it somehow soothes me. I lie, resting, eyes closed whilst the play reaches me, played from my phone through my portable blue tooth speaker. I am in the play, amongst the characters and living the story with them.

I am late to audible but am now a convert ~ definitely give it a go, if like me reading is now locked off for you for whatever reason. Plus, as an added bonus you can get the first month free as a trial period and request gift vouchers in lieu of presents to purchase books with. You can read more about it here.

Also, in my state of bed and sofa lounging diva my husband ferries back and forth from kitchen to wherever I may be with hot brews and light meals for me. He is my carer and therapist as well as husband, best friend, lover and my life adventurer.

I recently caved and on advice of my various doctors applied for PIP. I have never claimed benefits before and worked hard all my life until illness struck. I suppose my stubborn pride has kept me from applying until now. The booklet to apply was hugely daunting but Dave stepped in and filled it in on my behalf ~ adding all the supporting documents and then posting it via tracked and signed for with Royal Mail. I have had a text from DWP to inform me they have received my application, so it’s now just fingers crossed time as we wait.

Photography is limited to ten minutes here and there within my garden, as the act of holding up my camera is exhausting, standing is draining plus it causes additional pain throughout my entire body. My canvas may be limited but it doesn’t matter as somehow I seem to find something new each time.

Have you ever seen tiny specks of white fluff on your plants? I have in the past and wondered where it came from. Yesterday, by pure fluke, I saw a tiny speck of fluff through my macro lens AND IT MOVED! Intrigued I homed in on it and saw this virtually transparent, minuscule critter underneath the fluff, like a sci~fi version of a teeny tiny snail, with fluff instead of a shell.

Anyone know what it is?

I also found a rather angry leaf, which reminds me of Robert De Niro’s character in the animation Shark Tales…

It’s amazing what you can see in a place which looks barren, our garden is a landscape of brown brittle grass and some sorry looking pot plants along with a Holly tree and Buddleia. I found a walking pot plant man..

Plus a fungal face which looks like a half covered face with eyes covered with a bobbly nose and slit mouth visible on the lower half (it is the stoney root of a large recurring fungus that grows on our lawn)..

Life is challenging when your body is fighting the effects ME, Hypermobility EDS, Fibromyalgia and Allergies on a daily basis ~ but it is never boring, just different.

I consider myself lucky in so many ways ~ my life is blessed with a wonderful, supportive tight knit family, something I treasure and don’t take for granted. Days like today are made easier with their love, support, compassion and understanding. I also am grateful for the online connections I have made, some friendships and bonds that are meaningful and treasured, which the power of the internet has made open and possible for me.

Life is what you make it.

I am intent on making the most of every moment.

Nothing is impossible so they say, although to my mind I can think of a few things that are. Apparently we make our own limitations, which in some instances I can understand ~ in the case of self preservation I certainly do. I get the overall meaning though and yes, somethings are not impossible but you can always find examples of things to counter that. I won’t be walking on the moon anytime soon ~ or handling a spider ~ no matter how tiny or cute. This spider is the size of a ant and a skilled jumper ~ only to be viewed through my lens and far enough to be out of jumping range!

So, back to the beginning, lying on my sofa, iPad perched on my stomach ~ it’s good to find a use for the ol’ pot belly ~ I write this blog. Forced by my body to rest I survey my surroundings and accept that the pain and fatigue show me my body is fighting for me, not against me.

I am resting.

I am understanding.

I am grateful.

I am accepting.

I am laughing.

I am loving.

I am living.


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