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Posted in Personal Blog

When you feel down what do you do?

I have a tendency to change my hair colour ~ yesterday I dyed it a dark purple and really quite like it.

I also snuggle down with the dogs and chill, I love the feel of their warm little bodies and unquestioning love.

When I’m not available to lie on little Loki has found a cosy substitute, he loves my Uber soft Hetty Hippo to lie on which is really cute.

Taylor on the other hand loves to be on me, one way or another, either on my knee when at my desk or lying beside me on the sofa or between my legs when they are up on the footstool. We recently found a lump on his left side, the biopsy came back inconclusive and so at 9am on Thursday next week (22nd March) my poor wee boy is going in for the operation to remove the lump. Only then will we know if it’s a fatty lump or cancer.

So, why the title of unknown? Well, I hate not knowing the answer to things!

I am concerned for my Hairy Boy, I am pretty sure that the lump is a benign fatty lump, but that niggle is still there and won’t be gone until after the operation and we know for sure what it is.

Also I have health issues with causes unknown. I am really quite frustrated, deflated and down after my appointment with a Rheumatologist today. I like the doctor, he is lovely and wants to help but at the moment cannot tell me what ails me.

My blood tests so far leave me with cause of health issues inconclusive.

What I DO know is that my diagnosis of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis still stands, as does my diagnosis of hypermobility. The diagnosis of Fibromyalgia is now being debated though.

SO, what is happening next? The lovely doctor understands our financial limitations and that we can’t afford private tests.

I am being referred to his combined medical and skin clinic as a NHS patient where he will then order a range of immunological blood tests which my GP was unable to access.

I then will either get a diagnosis or remain a enigma.

This leaves me feeling something difficult to express. I feel a kind of uneasiness ~ odd in a peculiar way. I still have a visible rash, my skin feels like I have fire ants crawling beneath it. I hurt literally everywhere, I am constantly physically exhausted and have no umph the umph has buggered off!

The constant question of why ~ can Myalgic Encephalomyelitis cause these rashes too? Am I manifesting psychosomatic physical symptoms. Will changing my mindset make any difference?

So I aim to be proactive ~ from tomorrow I will be keeping a diary of everything I do physically and what I eat & drink to see if a pattern emerges.

The Lupus diagnosis is now binned but the skin type of Lupus is a maybe, other possibilities have remained unsaid. All I can do is wait for my next appointment where I will go for specific immunological blood tests and take it from there.

I am grateful for the doctor for taking me on even though I am not within the area ~ it’s about a hour away whereas my local hospital is just down the road. He will give me continuity of care and do what he can for me to solve this puzzle.

Sometimes, no matter what you want, things will remain unknown. I am hoping that it’s not the case for me but if it is there is nothing I can do but make my peace with it.

I leave you with couple of photos from when I was at Dave’s unit which is at a farm. One of a gentle horse that came to say hi to me the other day, it lives with 3 others in the field and is very friendly. Also a trailer of chickens, they roam free around the fields and drive, occasionally they wonder into Dave’s unit to have a look around..


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